5.7.2017

5.7.2017

Yesterday was my birthday, 28 I have arrived. For whatever reason, this birthday was really hard for me, I actually burst into tears. Jokingly I referred to it as my obligatory birthday weep. I’m not even old, but I think I pictured my life being very different this year than it was last year and it’s just not. Regardless, I was being dramatic and I’m fine. I don’t particularly like birthdays [for myself] as it is, and so this year I’m just being a big ol’ birthday baby.


I really missed my friends this year too, and being away from them was incredibly difficult. I think because I was just with all of them on my work-cation, feeling their love and presence, it made it harder to be away from them on my birthday, than it had any other year. Honestly once I cried it out and had that “I’m so old” heart to heart with my husband, I felt so much better. I kept it all in because I didn’t want to admit I was upset, which only led to me crying. A totally preventable situation, that I completely fell into. 


July 4th I went on a big ten mile birthday hike to a lake. I was told it was gonna be easier than it was, but honestly, after I was done with it I’m grateful it wasn’t. There was like 2 miles of incline hiking, and my calves are still feeling it two days later. 

On our hike back to the car we ran into some teenagers who were wearing flip flops, and carrying bags with snacks and towels, also headed to the lake. My fat ass was sweating bullets after almost 4 hours of hiking like, “good luck kids, I’m not sure you understand what you’ve signed up for”.


 

My best friend got a Fitbit, and so we are doing the work week hustle challenge. Thanks to that insane hike, as of yesterday I was crushing him. But honestly with it being my birthday yesterday and my calves being on FIRE, I barely did anything. He will likely end up beating me!

The husband I have started a high protein, low carb, meal prepped diet. My husband is only doing it to be supportive, which is incredible and so much appreciated. I have a hard time sticking to diet because I want to feed him what he wants, and I also like to eat those foods. Problem is, if I even smell a carb or a junk food, I can feel my weight piling on. So his support has been monumental. So far I’ve already lose 5 pounds, but I’m not gonna weigh myself but once a week, I’m trying to not obsess which is totally my usual crutch. So fingers crossed moving forward it’s gonna be so much healither for me.

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19.5.2017

19.5.2017

I am weak. I lasted about a half a week before giving up on running again. I’m back on the running wagon again, actually switched back to using a FitBit too. I basically asked my husband to just make me go for a jog. I’m one of those people who rarely does things for myself. I find it’s easier to do things for other people than for myself, which arguably is probably a huge part of my depression, but I’m working on it. So if he “makes” me do it, I’m doing it for him, for us to hopefully start a family this year, etc. It’s not about me at that point, and for me it’s just easier. Which is lame, but whatever, I have a plethora of character flaws.

This of course all was kicked back into full fucking force, when the lady at the local grocer asked my husband how far along I am. Which is hurtful for more than one reason. Firstly, I’m obviously not pregnant, but in this small town, I’m like the oldest person without a child and starting a family is something I want basically more than anything as soon as we are moved.

Obviously the second reason would be because I am obese (for me), and like thanks for pointing out (unintentionally) how fucking huge I have gotten. Why can’t I be one of those people who gets depressed and just doesn’t eat. I don’t actually mean that. But being the opposite of it, has its own equally annoying battles.

Mother’s day was a total drain on my existence. Not that it was too terrible, but as per I don’t really get along with my mom and she was a total fucking pain. Nothing was good enough, she hovered the entire time I tried (with my brother) to make her a nice meal. Of course, as soon as it was all said and done, she made sure to post on Facebook how great we are. Not because she actually feels that way, but because she wanting some degree of a bragging point. Frustrating, but it’s over, until next year.

I am still very much so looking forward to going home to the bay area in the next few weeks. I have a whole planned mapped out, plus Amtrak is running again, so no Greyhound! Which is honestly music to my god dang ears. They’re about equally as long of a ride, but I can sleep on the train, use Wi-Fi, and will have full access to a powder room. Which means the 9-am arrival time, I can be fully cleaned up and ready to hang with all my pals that day!

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I am going to me try to run one mile a day, for the next 30 days. I am currently on day two. Overall, I think (well I hope) this will improve my overall mood as well as my waist line. 

I’m not really concerned about my weight. Admittedly I am overweight, by a lot. But right now all I care about is getting healthier. I tried Weight Watchers for a month, and I lost like 5 pounds, and was miserable. My husband kept saying he noticed a difference (bless him), but all I noticed was my bad attitude. So instead of trying to do that bologna, I’m just gonna focus on getting healthier, physically and mentally.

PS- my husband even ran some with me, 10/10 moral support champ.

 Here’s to May!